A Quick Insight into the Serenity Prayer
Discover the meaning of the Serenity Prayer through practical examples of acceptance, courage, and wisdom. Explore its origins, philosophy, spirituality, and relevance in modern life.
It was a rainy afternoon in North London. I was standing on a platform at Central Finchley Station, waiting for a train. This is part of the Northern Line and, whilst it is technically part of the London Underground, Central Finchley’s station is noticeably above ground. Commuters enjoy fresh air, not the filtered air of the underground. The next stop is East Finchley, and after that, Highgate – from there, passengers will be plunged into the darkness of the London Underground. No daylight to be seen!
Standing on the platform, I could feel the first drops of gentle rain; by the looks of it, this was just a taster for the deluge the grey– almost black– clouds were threatening. The usual sounds of a station platform were being challenged by two very loud-voiced commuters, both in blue jeans and different-coloured hoodies, the unofficial uniform of North London in those days. They seemed to be arguing over the religious nature of a prayer. The man didn’t like it. The woman, standing next to him, didn’t mind it. They used the word ‘serenity’ a number of times. I and many others were forced to hear their argument on account of its dominant loudness. It drew our attention but was also entertaining.
They must have felt conscious of their behaviour because when either one of them turned around, we all seemed to avert our direction. Eyes, including mine, diverted to the most craziest areas you could find on a station platform. Readers of newspapers and magazines suddenly focused on an article just as school children do when a teacher enters a classroom. For some strange reason I found interest in a Keep Britain Tidy dustbin. It was as if we were caught t doing something illicit. The couple’s animated conversation seemed to subside as the train we were all waiting for could be seen closing its distance towards us.
The rain was becoming heavy now, and perhaps it was because of this that the woman gave in – sort of. She acknowledged that she was not very religious but didn’t mind using the word ‘God’ or ‘Lord’; her words were just audible above the heavy downpour. He looked at her and stepped back. I thought he was going to strike her. But no, instead, she received a verbal volley that impacted all of our ears: HE doesn’t have to be there!. There was no need for an exclamation; the sound of the screeching train did that for him. And then the darnedest thing happened — It was as if the subject of the man’s final sentence was making an entrance to the heated debate: the rain stopped. Just like that. The train doors slid open. The clouds dispersed, leaving innocent white clouds looking just as surprised as we were. Miraculously, as we embarked and sat down on the empty seats, a bright and serene afternoon sun appeared in the sky. I wished someone had said, ‘God works in mysterious ways…’ But no, I had missed my chance; those words remained locked in my head. Timing is everything. The train moaned and hissed as its engines gathered its hulking body into the dark abyss of the labyrinth that is the London Underground. Our journey had begun.
“Lord, grant Me The serenity to accept the things I cannot change…”
A little shy of a 100 years ago, both Reinhold Niebuhr and Winnifred Wygal collated the works of so many before them into an inspiring prayer that showcases the best of practical Christianity at work. Both Niebuhr and Wygal knew each other and used each other’s work in their sermons and writings. Wygal is known for her association with the Young Women’s Christian Association. Niebuhr, a Protestant theologian, lectured at the Union Theological Seminary in North America.
The prayer–more generally attributed to Niehbhur than Wygal– can be used without attribution, as the debate about who the actual author was will never be accurately established. The matter is further compounded by various earlier expressions of the serenity theme, some dating to antiquity, that clearly were the stepping stones climbed by both Niebuhr and Wygal that inspired the ‘Serenity Prayer’ we know today.
1st-century Greek stoic philosopher Epictetus wrote:
Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens. Some things are up to us and some things are not up to us. Our opinions are up to us, and our impulses, desires, aversions—in short, whatever is our own doing. Our bodies are not up to us, nor are our possessions, our reputations, or our public offices, or, that is, whatever is not our own doing.
The 8th-century Indian Buddhist scholar Shantideva of the ancient Nalanda Mahavihara suggested the following:
If there’s a remedy when trouble strikes,
What reason is there for dejection?
And if there is no help for it,
What use is there in being glum?
The 11th-century Jewish philosopher Solomon ibn Gabirol wrote:
And they said: At the head of all understanding is distinguishing between what is and what cannot be, and the consoling of what is not in our power to change.
In 1801, German philosopher Friedrich Schiller (one can see how close Schiller’s version sounds to the current version), who wrote:
Blessed is he, who has learned to bear what he cannot change, and to give up with dignity, what he cannot save.
Within a decade of its conception, the prayer was printed on small cards and given to soldiers during World War II. This was orchestrated by the Federal Council of Churches. By 1942, Alcoholics Anonymous adopted the prayer for its recovery programme, where it resonated with its patrons so successfully. Today, it is still part of the AA.
The common thread that runs through Alcoholics Anonymous and the YWCA seems to be hardship and addiction. The patrons of such institutions have experienced a rough life. A simple example can help us understand what makes the Serenity Prayer relevant to its petitioners. Think of a man falling into despair and seeking the comfort of alcohol that begins medicinally but ends up controlling him by forming an addiction. Think of a young girl escaping an abusive and violent environment at home and finding sanctuary at a YWCA. To such individuals, the first line of the Serenity Prayer is a plea asking for understanding on what they cannot change. Both must ask this question. Over time they will find the correct answer. Maybe they will stop blaming themselves for what led to the circumstances to where they are today. The point of this is to come to an acceptance that there are things you have no control over and cannot change. At times they will struggle to find balance amidst the chaos. Eventually clarity arrives through serenity.
So, how can the simple words of a prayer help so much? Two people were instrumental in making the Serenity Prayer what it is today. Together, they formed Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). It was the adoption of the prayer as part of their programme which gave it a prominence it would not have had.
The two gentlemen I am referring to are Bill W and Dr Bob. I have tried to respect the nomenclature of their society in mentioning their names: no surnames – instead, the latter is reduced to a letter representing it. This detail helps create the anonymity of Alcoholics Anonymous. But for those eager to learn more about them, their surnames are Wilson and Smith, respectively. Both saw something compelling in the words of the prayer. It resonated with their cause. The rest is history. .
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Look closely at the words, and with a little contemplation, you’ll discern that the core of the Serenity Prayer rests on three pillars: Serenity, Courage and Wisdom. These are not abstract ideas– each is a practical guide that will help you navigate your everyday challenges with grace and strength.
Serenity: The First Pillar: Peaceful Acceptance of Things We Cannot Change
“Lord, grant Me The serenity to accept the things I cannot change…”
Serenity is about cultivating inner peace within ourselves with the realisation that there are things around us that we have no control over. Serenity helps us let go of resistance and embrace a form of peaceful acceptance. We are not talking about embracing cowardice.
I believe some examples may help you understand this better:
• When a loved one faces a serious illness, we cannot change the diagnosis but we can accept the situation with calm and offer support without frustration.
• Dealing with unexpected job loss—rather than allowing yourself to spiral into despair, serenity helps us focus on reality, making us focus on what’s next. An example of this could be re-training or gaining qualifications in a high-demand field.
• Accepting natural ageing in ourselves and in others. Here you are peacefully accept that some life processes are inevitable and beyond our influence.
• Accepting The Past: Letting go of regret regarding a past mistake that cannot be undone. Committing to yourself the regret you feel means you will not behave as you once did. This allows you to move forward with your life.
• Accepting Others: recognising that you cannot change another person’s choices, behaviours or attitudes (e.g., a difficult co-worker or family member)
• Accepting circumstances: Being stuck in traffic and choosing to listen to music instead of experiencing road rage. Courage: The Second Pillar: Taking Action To Change What We Can
“The Courage To Change The Things I can ..”
It is true to say that courage is the driving force that empowers us to step forward and make positive changes where it’s possible and necessary.
The caveat here is that strength, determination and initiative must apply to the things which are in your control.
To give courage its full context, it is specifically centred on you. Courage applies to the change of your attitude, responses and behaviour. Courage is the proactive element in the prayer, transforming peaceful acceptance into positive action.
Examples:
• Standing up for yourself in a difficult conversation at work to improve your environment or clarify misunderstandings.
• Setting boundaries: courageously ending a toxic relationship or setting limits with a loved one.
• Taking Responsibility: Admitting your own faults and taking action to change your behaviour – this could mean starting recovery or making amends.
• Committing to a healthier lifestyle: taking positive steps through diet and exercise to improve well-being and longevity.
• Mental Health: taking responsibility by seeking professional help for mental health challenges instead of suffering in silence.
Wisdom: The Third Pillar of Serenity: becoming spiritual
“…and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Wisdom is simply graceful discernment: knowing when to accept (serenity) and when to act (courage). If you add a little spiritual insight into your thinking, you may be considered one of the more better decision-makers. As can be seen, in the Serenity Prayer, wisdom acts as the bridge between Serenity and Courage.
Because wisdom acts as a bridge, it demonstrates how practical the decision you make will be. With discernment you will be able to apply the right response to a specific situation.
You are essentially asking, “Is this within my control, and if so, what is the best way to act?
Wisdom (with a dose of spirituality) goes beyond simple discernment. Here are a few examples for you: –
Wisdom as Contextual Timing: Discernment will tell you what is controllable. Wisdom tells you when to act. Acting too soon on something you can change can be just as destructive as acting too late.
• For example, if you see a friend making a poor financial decision
Discernment: this tells you that you can’t force them to change their mind as it is out of your control. But, you can choose to speak up –this is in your control. But when should you do this? This is the spiritual angle. In this case it will be your genuine deep understanding of your friend.
• Wisdom: this shows you that bringing it up while they are engaged or stressed will make them defensive. So, with wisdom combining your spiritual insight of your friend, you wait for a calm moment to gently offer your perspective. The wisdom is in the timing NOT in the ‘courage’ to speak. Wisdom as Resourcefulness: Wisdom involves how to change something that is in your power to change. It is the ability to find a path forward when the obvious route is blocked.
• For example: You are stuck in traffic and will be late for a critical meeting.
Discernment: You accept the the traffic is not your fault (peaceful acceptance) and that you cannot make the cars move (not in your control to do so).
Wisdom: Instead of just ‘accepting’ the lateness, you immediately call the host, apologise, explain the situation, and propose a new agenda or a shorter meeting time. Now you have used your control (communication) to mitigate the damage of the ‘uncontrollable’ traffic.Wisdom as Emotional Regulation: Wisdom helps separate your ego from the problem. Often, we think we are trying to change the situation, but in reality, we are trying to control how others feel about us or how we look. Wisdom strips that away.
• Example: A colleague takes credit for your work at a meeting.
Discernment: You realize you cannot force them to admit it in the moment (their action) and getting angry won't help (your reaction).
Wisdom: You stay calm in the moment to avoid an unprofessional scene. Later, you privately document the facts and speak to your manager with data, not emotion,
to set the record straight. Wisdom here is the ability to delay gratification and choose the most effective long-term strategy over an immediate emotional release.Wisdom as Knowing the Limit of Your Control: This is the hardest part. Sometimes we think something is within our control, but it isn’t. Wisdom is the humility to accept that you are
fighting a battle you cannot win.
• Example: You are trying to help a loved one struggling with addiction
Discernment: You know you cannot force them to stop using drugs (not your control).
Wisdom: You realize that your attempts to "fix" them (hiding their car, making excuses for them, paying their debts) are actually enabling the behaviour.
The wise action is to set a boundary: "I love you, but I will not pay your debts any more." This is a change in your behaviour (which you control) to stop
supporting the uncontrollable behaviour of the other person.In short, if the Serenity Prayer were a map:
Acceptance is realising you are stuck in a swamp.
Courage is the will to start walking.
Wisdom is the knowledge to find the solid ground nearby, or the tool to build a bridge, rather than just walking blindly until you sink deeper.
It is the active intelligence that turns “I can’t control this” into “This is what I will do about it”.
The Serenity Prayer’s three pillars offer more than just words – they give us a framework for a fulfilling life. Serenity teaches peace. Courage fuels our growth. Wisdom guides our choices. Together they help us face life’s tough choices.
I sometimes wonder what became of those two people arguing wet with rain. I hope they found the true meaning of the Serenity Prayer. That day, for some reason, has stuck in my mind for a long time. Three years have passed since I saw them – I’m a regular commuter on the Northern line; my journey begins at Central Finchley. I hope they found their unique understanding of the Serenity Prayer.
Challenges are part of life: they are inevitable. Both serenity and courage connect to wisdom. Only wisdom will help us move toward hope and resilience.
Hold on to the pillars – they are your steadfast companions for the journey ahead. And if the religiosity of the prayer sits uncomfortably with you, do not fear. Bill W and Dr Bob made the appropriate accommodation by making each person petition their ‘personally defined higher power’. We all have one. It is how we see ourselves or – at least – aspire to see ourselves. I hope you found this reading helpful. As I complete this, the sun has just appeared in the morning sky. The clouds had finally lifted. I hope those rays of light find you.
