Four Big Challenges of Peaceful Acceptance

Why is peaceful acceptance so difficult to believe in?
Do you feel you are surrendering control?
Does the word ‘peaceful’ imply surrender to you? Let’s discuss.

When we become petitioners of the Serenity Prayer, we make a plea that we be granted the serenity to accept the things we cannot change. Many people will struggle to find acceptance of this. Aren’t bad things supposed to get their comeuppance? In time, if such a feeling is left unchecked, it will be compounded with accusations of cowardice; later a certain perceived malaise will dawn that you’re ‘quite okay’ with leaving troublesome matters where they stand. You’re basically being made to feel a fool for turning the other cheek. From here, anything can happen. And it’s usually not good.
Peaceful acceptance does not mean approval: this is something you may already understand intuitively, but others will not. Others will assume you are ‘okay’ accepting a painful past experience or a toxic situation. However, you may know different.
Peaceful acceptance gives you the mental clarity to acknowledge the facts of the present moment. The distinction between approval and acceptance cuts into many areas of mental health study, like Wellness or Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). In short, approval is where you agree with what is happening. Peaceful acceptance, on the other hand, is what is happening right now. You are acknowledging reality as it exists in this moment. You are doing this without adding judgement, resistance or a story about how it should be different. It does not mean you’re okay with it – you can accept something as being painful while still working on what you can change.

Why does the concept of peaceful acceptance become such a giant obstacle for some of us? The examples below may help you see the differences. Please read the Key before proceeding.

Key

Each of the 4 examples is given a title scenario which is then tested by a probable interfering event. The approach to the changed circumstance is filtered by the two different mindsets of approval with the acceptance mindset. Readers should be able to see a difference between the two mental approaches. The final and fourth point is a conclusion called ‘What Changes’; this offers a reflection of the differences between an approval mindset versus a peaceful acceptance mindset.

• Title Scenario: A Rainy Day Ruins Your Plans
• Situation: You planned an outdoor picnic, but it’s pouring rain.
• Approval Mindset: “This shouldn’t be happening! The weather is terrible. I hate this.”
• Peaceful Acceptance Mindset: “It’s raining now. My picnic can’t happen as planned. That’s the fact of this moment. Let’s make an alternative arrangement.”
• What Changes: Notice how the approval mindset resisted reality? The speaker was spending energy fighting the rain. However, the peaceful acceptance mindset accepted the present moment and proposed an alternative arrangement; this may have involved watching a movie at home.
• Conclusion on Peaceful Acceptance: Just because you ‘accepted’ the rain does not mean you approve of bad weather. It means you stop arguing with what is; instead, you will find yourself acting wisely.

Title Scenario: When A Loved One Makes A Choice You Disagree With

Situation: Your adult child decides to take a job that you are unhappy with.

Approval Mindset: “They’re making a huge mistake. If they loved me, they’d listen.”

Acceptance Mindset: “My child has chosen this path. I don’t agree with it. Maybe I can share my concerns respectfully. Right now, however, this is their decision.”

What Changes: Notice how the approval mindset tries to control the decision of the child. He/She will also resort to emotional blackmail (If you love me, you’ll listen to me). The peaceful acceptance approach is different. There is the offer of support and a desire to focus on the relationship. There is no frustration and loss of energy in trying to make someone change something that is not in your boundary to change.

Title Scenario: Chronic Pain or Illness

Situation: You live with a condition that causes daily discomfort.

Approval Mindset: “This isn’t fair. Why me? I shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

Acceptance Mindset: “My body is experiencing pain right now. This is the reality of the moment. I don’t like it – but I can still care for myself within it. “

What Changes: Peaceful acceptance reduces the secondary suffering – the anger, shame or despair about having pain. The approval mindset seems to be fighting a losing battle with reality. Peaceful acceptance seems to show us how you can still seek treatment and live meaningfully alongside the pain.

Title Scenario: Someone Hurts You

Situation: A friend says something unkind

Approval mindset: “They had no right! They’re a terrible person. I can’t believe they did that.”

Acceptance mindsets: “They said those words. That happened. I feel hurt. This is the present moment.”

What Changes: Accepting the fact that it happened does not mean you excuse the behaviour. It frees you to decide your next step calmly: “Do I need to set a boundary? Have a conversation? Question the reality of the relationship?”

The phrase acknowledges the facts of ‘the present moment’. Don’t mistake this for a waste of time. Once you collect the facts of the ‘present moment’, you have a very powerful tool in your hand.

There are 3 points which are relevant to the concept of ‘the present moment’.

• The present is the only moment you can actually act from. You can’t change the past. You can’t control the future. It is the ‘present’ that allows you to respond – because it is in the here and now.
• Resistance lives in ‘should’. When the approval mindset, above, stated, “This shouldn’t be happening to me,” that person is arguing with reality. That mental struggle creates suffering on top of the original pain.
• Acceptance creates the space for wise action. When you stop fighting what is, you free up energy to ask : “Given this reality, what is within my power to do?” That’s where the Serenity Prayer’s “courage to change the things I can” begins.

An Exercise To Try Yourself The Next Time You Feel Stuck Or Upset.

1. Pause and name the fact – the observable fact – no story. Ask yourself, “Right now, _____is happening.” In the space, write in the observable fact happening right now. Don’t write a story, just a fact that describes what you feel.
2. What is your reaction? You might say, ‘I don’t like it’ or ‘I wish it were different.’ Try your best to express your feelings boldly and without fear.
3. The final step is to calm down. Breathe. And ask yourself, gently: “If I fully accepted that this is the present moment, what would I do next?”

This exercise will help you ground yourself in reality so that your actions come from clarity, not reactivity.

Final thought
You can accept a difficult truth and still work for change. You can acknowledge pain and still choose kindness. That is the quiet power of peaceful acceptance. It doesn’t ask you to like what is. It invites you to meet reality with open eyes. This will allow you to respond from wisdom and not struggle.